Spatula Attack
by xpiester333x
Summary: Zoro hates Sanji's spatula, ever since the blond discovered that it made an effective anti-marimo weapon. He can't stand the thing, so he decides to seek revenge and teach the cook a lesson using a spatula of his own.


A birthday gift for **Kumiko Hasegawa** (on ff), her birthday was on the 23rd of May and I wrote her the "threesome" I knew she'd love most - Zoro/Sanji/Spatula.

* * *

The thing whipped down onto Zoro's hand hard enough to leave a red, welted imprint, one that hurt even Zoro a little bit. He jerked his hand away from the bottle of booze he'd been about to pilfer from the galley and sent a sharp glare at the offending object.

That. Damn. Spatula.

He sent his glare to the man holding the evil device. Sanji stood smirking, waving his new favorite weapon in a threatening manner.

"No, no, Marimo," Sanji said. "I told you to stay out of the liquor."

Zoro made an irritable sound and looked longingly back at his booze. He'd have to let it got for now, he couldn't win against the cook and that _thing. _It only ended in his being thoroughly whipped with the thing and sent to spend the rest of the rest of his day nursing angry red marks. He had plans for his afternoon, and while the pain might have made a for good tolerance training, he really wasn't in the mood to handle that today.

He hated that stupid thing. The cook had picked it up three or four islands ago, when his last spatula had been snapped in two during one of Usopp's experiments. The poor sniper had paid for his mistake dearly, and then agreed to pay for whatever replacement Sanji desired. The next time they made a stop at an island with a market, Sanji set off to find one.

Zoro hadn't thought twice about the new cooking implement. He cared just as much about it as Sanji cared about one of his sharpening stones, meaning he didn't really care at all. He barely even noticed the damn thing existed; cooking was not his specialty and he didn't have a need to keep track of the tools the blond was using to do so.

The first time he really even became aware of the spatula's existence was a couple of days later when he'd been trying to sneak booze out of the galley, just like today, and ended up with a reddened hand for his trouble. He'd hated it from that moment on, and even more so when the shit cook realized that the spatula was an effective weapon against Zoro. Now it was constantly held over his head in threat, and he despised it.

He slunk from the galley, nursing his sore hand and swearing his revenge. He would get the cook back for that shitty spatula, and he would make the curly brow regret ever using the damn thing against him.

* * *

Zoro was off the ship the moment they reached the next island, hardly paying any attention to the instructions Nami gave when she passed out their allowance. Zoro's portion was meager, it probably would be for as long as he sailed with the sea witch, but he was a man of small comforts anyway. A cheap drink was all he needed to be satisfied on a normal day. Today, however, he had other plans.

He wandered the island forever, scouring every inch of the small town. He wasn't sure exactly what he was looking for, only that it had to be something that would put an end to the blond's use of that spatula. He would know it when he saw it.

He found exactly what he was looking for in a back alley shop, off the main road and shrouded in the shadows the buildings surrounding it. It was no larger than a shack, and gave of the feel of something sinister or forbidden, but the thing Zoro hadn't known he was looking for was clearly displayed in the dingy window.

He'd ended up in the alley on accident, completely turned around from where he'd been meaning to go, but his good luck held out and now he would finally have his revenge on the blond. He gleefully entered the small shop, and once he'd made his grand purchase he set back off towards the ship, ready to pay the blond back in full.

* * *

Sanji was the only one still awake when Zoro made it back to the ship. He hadn't been lost, he'd just gotten a little turned around in the winding streets, but it was well past their usual bed time when Zoro climbed back onto the deck. There were no lights on in the crow's nest, not even the dim lantern's glow that could usually be seen from the deck, so Zoro could only assume Sanji had first watch tonight.

If the cook wasn't in the crow's nest for his watch, however, he would surely be in galley. Zoro could hear him humming under the faint clink of dishes and knew the cook was still awake, either washing up the dinner dishes or planning a menu for the following day. Zoro grinned with gleeful satisfaction. He had the perfect opportunity right now to exact his revenge; it really was his lucky day.

Zoro pushed into the galley as quietly as possible. The element of surprise would really help him out here, and he wasn't going to let the opportunity slip away. Sanji was standing at the sink, arms elbow deep in soapy water, still humming absently to himself. The cook remained oblivious to his presence until it was too late for him, and Zoro quickly secured two arms around the slim waist.

The reaction the cook gave was similar to the reaction a cat might have if you dunked it into water. He sputtered comically, sloshing dishwater from the sink in his haste to try and free himself from Zoro's grasp. His eyes were wide with shock and his wet fingers clawed uselessly at the skin of Zoro's arms.

"What the hell! What are you doing… you… uh," Sanji's words died off as Zoro's mouth found the exposed skin at the base of his neck. Zoro ran a trail of teeth, tongue, and lips from there to his ear where he chuckled when he felt the stubborn blond melt a little in his arms.

"I'm a what?" He murmured into Sanji's ear before nibbling gently at the lobe.

Sanji's head turned in his direction ever so slightly, allowing Zoro easier access to the sensitive skin he was teasing there. "You're a bastard," Sanji gritted out.

Zoro chuckled again, sure Sanji meant it for an entirely different reason now and moved to explore new territory; the corner of the cook's jaw and the junction where Sanji's neck met his shoulder proved to be sensitive as well, and the cook was compliant enough now for Zoro to turn him around and kiss him properly.

Sanji returned the kiss enthusiastically, his arms moving to pull Zoro closer, holding him in place and refusing to let him escape without Sanji's say so. Not that Zoro intended to go anywhere, not when there was still work to be done here. So he let Sanji pull him close and returned the blond's heated kiss with his own.

Sanji pressed against him, so close Zoro could feel the heat of his body even through several layers of clothes.

"Desperate, Cook?" Zoro chuckled to hide the fact that he was feeling a little breathless.

"Shut it, you bastard," Sanji replied, breaking off into a moan when Zoro's calloused hands found their way under his shirt. "It's been forever."

It had been, that was true. Traveling for long periods of time aboard a ship crowded with people didn't exactly make for idea conditions for this kind of thing. These moments were better shared in the privacy of hotel rooms or enjoyed on the rare days when the others left them alone on the ship. Both opportunities were extremely rare, however, and so in times like this there was no holding back.

Zoro managed to maneuver the willing cook towards the dining table. Sanji put up only a token of protest before Zoro managed to convince him with a barrage of hands, lips, and teeth that it was the best idea. By the time Sanji's back hit the table his shirt was long gone, and he was panting like he'd just run a marathon. Zoro's tongue flicked one last time against the nipple he'd been teasing and he pulled away, grinning down at the cook that had fallen right into his trap.

"Right where I want you," Zoro muttered.

"What?" Sanji asked, dazed, unaware that he had set himself up for this.

Zoro set about removing the cooks, pants, slowly popping the button and sliding the zipper down easily, one link at a time, making Sanji twitch in anticipation. When the fly was undone Zoro jerked them off by the ankle, watching as Sanji lifted his hips to help ease them off. When they were discarded and the boxers tossed off along behind them, Zoro stood again, pulling his recent purchase from the band of his haramaki. It said a lot about how eager the cook was that the man hadn't felt it there.

"I have a surprise for you," Zoro told him, his voice deep and husky.

"What is it?" Sanji asked impatiently. He didn't like to linger long once he considered foreplay to be over.

Zoro's smirk widened. "Close your eyes," he instructed.

Sanji did as he was told, showing a startling amount of trust in his companion by doing so. Zoro almost felt bad for what he would do next.

_Almost. _

He brought the flat of the item down sharply onto the blond's hip, causing the man to yelp as his body jerked in reaction. Sanji's snapped open almost against his will, and he stared wide-eyed at Zoro in disbelief.

"What the hell is that?!" He asked.

"A spatula," Zoro showed him the top, the fan shaped piece of plastic with the tapered end that was nearly identical to the spatula Sanji had been using on him for weeks.

"And a dildo," he continued, flipping the spatula around and revealing the phallic shaped handle part.

"Where the hell did you get that?!" Sanji shouted, looking outraged and offended.

"A shop in town," Zoro shrugged. "It vibrates."

"Great," Sanji snapped. "Tell me how that feels because you can take that and fuck yourself with it."

With that said, he attempted to leave, sitting up and trying to slide himself off the table and around Zoro. But Zoro had planned this, and wasn't about to let the cook leave so easily. He stopped the man easily; grabbing his cock in a firm grip that made the cook hiss involuntarily. He was hard still, the sight of the unwelcome toy having done nothing to dampen his libido.

"Not so fast," Zoro said. "I bought this for you."

"Why the hell would I want that?" Sanji snapped although the anger had fled from his voice significantly. There was definitely more lust lacing his words than rage, and his eyes betrayed him with a glint of curiosity.

"You have been tormenting me with that damn _thing _for weeks. It's time I return the favor."

A smack of the flat end of the spatula caused Sanji to cry out again, but he didn't try to escape this time. He watched Zoro through eyes heavy with lust and curiosity. He was glaring, but his body betrayed him, and when Zoro slapped the spatula against his chest – catching one nipple in its path – Sanji made a noise that was anything but pained.

The torment continued, Zoro alternating between smooth strokes of the fresh plastic against Sanji's sensitive skin and slaps that were hard enough to create spatula-shaped red marks on the pale body. Sanji was a mess. His chest heaved with each labored breath and every noise that was forced from his unwilling lips sounded increasingly more desperate.

Finally, Zoro took the spatula to the place he'd been avoiding since Sanji had switched from aggression to compliance. With a much gentler movement than he'd used in other placed, the spatula smacked Sanji's neglected cock.

Sanji's body jerked. "Oh god," he moaned.

Zoro smirked, but decided that was enough already, and it was time to move onto the next step; a step he might possibly enjoy more than the previous phase, although he'd been having a lot of fun already. He sat down on the bench of the table, hooking his arms around Sanji's thighs and pulling the body closer to him, positioned so that those powerful legs were set on either side of him.

Sanji raised himself on to his elbows to get a better look at what Zoro was doing. Zoro didn't mind his watching, it would likely only add to his anticipation. He pulled a bottle he'd purchased at the same shop; some kind of lubricant that promised a more stimulating experience. Zoro knew better than to trust the advertisement on the bottle, but he was sure it would get its basic job done.

He squeezed out a fair amount of the lube and began working it along the dildo in smooth even strokes. Sanji watch in anticipation, his tongue licking his lips and his eyes flicking to Zoro's. Blue eyes darkened with desire that Zoro found impossible to resist.

He determined himself done and moved to encourage the cook's legs to spread wider, guidance Sanji was all too willing to accept at the moment. His elbows dropped and his head tipped back as Zoro pressed the tip of the toy against him.

Slowly and carefully Zoro eased the toy in, small increments at a time until the toy was fully seated inside the eager cook. Sanji was making the most ridiculous noises; small whimpers hissed out with each breath and his hips were moving just slightly.

"Zoro," he ground out. It was obviously supposed to sound angry, but ended up a little too desperate. "Do something, you piece of shit."

Zoro's smirk widened, and he complied with Sanji's wish, twisting the spatula end of the toy and activating the lowest vibrate setting. The effect was instantaneous, Sanji's back arched and a moan escaped him; a quiet sound proving that Zoro would easily be able to pull more from him soon. Zoro pumped the toy once, experimentally, enjoying the breathy sigh Sanji gave him as a reward before working the toy in and out with more enthusiasm.

Zoro started slowly, building a rhythm and experimenting with angles. When he felt he had the perfect combination (clearly approved by Sanji if the volume of his voice was anything to go by), Zoro upped the vibration setting on the toy, and fucked the blond with it just slightly faster.

At one point Sanji attempted to relieve himself with one hand that came to pump his length in hard even strokes. Zoro wasn't going to allow that, however, and forcefully ripped the blond's stray hand away, ignoring Sanji's whimper of protest. Zoro was in charge of this show, and he wasn't ready for Sanji to bring it to an end so soon.

Zoro felt the pain of his own neglected erection trapped within his pants. It twitched with need at every sound Sanji made, and when Zoro hit that particular spot inside the cook's body, the sight of his lover arching with all of his flexibility tested Zoro's limits entirely. He ignored his own need, however, determined to make Sanji suffer his pleasure as much as possible.

"Zoro," Sanji managed between deep, gasping breaths. Every thrust of the toy stole the breath from his lungs. "Zoro… Zoro."

There was more to the blond's plea than just his name, and Zoro had a sneaking suspicion he knew exactly what request the cook would make. Zoro wasn't going to give in so easily, however. The wasn't supposed to be easy for Sanji, after all, he had a lesson to learn here.

"Yes, Cook?" Zoro replied, his amusement more than evident in his voice.

"You shitty, fuck… fucking asshole," Sanji swore, his speech broken by a particularly sharp thrust from Zoro.

"I'm sorry?" The green-haired man asked. "It's hard to understand you."

The toy had one more setting. One more twist of the spatula head and the whirring noise was audible even from deep inside the cook's body.

"Oh _fuck_!" Sanji cried. A dull thunk against the table top told Zoro that Sanji had bashed his head against it. "Fuck, Zoro!"

"What?" Zoro asked.

"Touch me, you shitty bastard!"

Zoro chuckled. "Say please."

Sanji's head twisted to the side, and he peered down at Zoro through heavy lidded eyes. It might have been a glare, or it was probably supposed to be, but the effect of it was lost when Sanji whimpered again.

The blond was a sweaty, desperate mess, and Zoro had to be impressed with his willpower. It wasn't indefinite though, and after a brief moment Sanji spoke again.

"_Please, _Zoro."

A sincere plea like that was hard to ignore, and Zoro complied graciously, taking Sanji's cock in his hand and pumping him with every thrust of the toy. Sanji swore more, and after just a few sharp jerks on his cock the blond came with a cry, his body going rigid as cum shot in spurts that sprayed up his chest.

Zoro continued to move the toy in him, changing the angle and lowering the settings until Sanji's body relaxed again. Sanji was still quivering when Zoro finally removed the toy and stood up. The blond was a mess, covered in sweat and his own cum, chest heaving and his body shaky and unstable as he attempted to regain some form of composure.

As his last act of revenge, Zoro smacked the spatula against Sanji's softening, over-sensitive cock, making him twitch violently. It was a satisfying sight, and Zoro was glad he'd bought the toy, even if it had cost him his booze money for this island.

"I hope you learned your lesson about using that spatula against me," Zoro said to the weak and recovering cook.

"And if I haven't?" Sanji snapped back.

"Then the next time I don't let you off so easily. I'll make your suffering last for hours," he promised, before exiting the galley to take care of his own problems and leaving the cook to gather his senses (and clothing) alone.


End file.
